By Austin Price, Staff Writer
Many of us have siblings. Many of us love our siblings despite wanting to strangle them at times. Many of us ask our parents why they had more than one kid. Many of us see our siblings as our built-in best friends who have our back no matter what, but also will be murdered if they take one step into our room. For years we have asked ourselves why our relationships with our siblings are the way they are. We wonder why we have conflicted emotions towards the people we have grown up with. Taking a deep dive into the influence of nature vs. nurture, and the psychology of each family member in terms of their place in the group and their contribution to the rest, studies show that the order in which you are born may determine your feelings towards your siblings. This means that your place in the family could make or break the family’s dynamic.
Oldest Sibling
Let us begin with our focus on the eldest child. I am the eldest of my family, and I can safely say, we are superior to the rest, no doubt. Our parents continued to have children after us because we were so amazing. Whether or not they are disappointed by our siblings after experiencing our greatness is another question. Regardless, the first born is the parents’ ultimate guinea pig and is the ultimate expectation setter. With great power comes great responsibility and every first-born child in the world can attest to the outlandish responsibility they hold.
Studies have shown time and time again that the eldest sibling is a natural born leader and an intelligent one at that. "Research has consistently proven that oldest children are slightly more intelligent than their siblings," says licensed psychologist Sabrina Molden, PhD. "Also, they tend to be highly motivated, conscientious, and achievement-oriented." In fact, according to a survey conducted by executive performance company Vistage International, firstborns are more likely to become CEOs than their younger siblings. So, your suspicions are correct, the eldest sibling is the ringleader of every great success amongst the children.
Because of the eldest child’s natural determination and need for control and organization, it’s no surprise that first born children have the most anxiety out of the family. A report from Best Life states that first-time parents are often worriers, and firstborn children often absorb some of their parents' anxiety, worrying about the same things their parents frequently fret over. "First time parents are anxious about safety because everything as it relates to this baby feels fragile," said Carrie Krawiec, LMFT. "They feel pressure to meet demands of developmental milestones and transfer that anxiety to their kids.” So, if you’re the eldest of your family, congrats, you have a “get out of jail free card” for your intense anxiety. Just say it was your parents’ fault and no further questions will be asked.
In addition to being ambitious, firstborns tend to seek approval more than their younger siblings. “They are kind of like a mini grown-up when there are no siblings to make up their peer group," said psychotherapist Rachel Wright. "Firstborns tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves, craving approval from their parents.” In addition to adopting this role of leadership, firstborns develop a need for control. According to Best Life, firstborns often find that their status as the central focus of their parents becomes threatened once siblings enter the picture, which leads them to take control and ensure they aren't usurped from their position of importance.
Middle Children
On to the next member of the family, the middle child. Licensed mental health counselor Jaime Kulaga, PhD, claims that middle children tend to seek more attention than their older or younger siblings. "If the firstborn is this responsible overachiever, the second born must find their spotlight, too," said Kulaga. "This is where you might see the second child rebelling or being very competitive.”
Middle children have also been found to have a hard time finding their place in the family, and in turn, have a hard time developing their own, original personality. Middle children often test out a wide variety of identities before settling on one that fits. "They seek to find interests that don't already belong to other family members, making them feel foreign to their parents," said Krawiec, who notes that this can also cause middle children to seem "isolated and secretive."
Middle child personalities emerge in response to how they perceive the next-oldest sibling in the family. So, for example, if the older sibling is a parent-pleaser, the middle child might rebel to get attention. In the eyes of the middle child, the oldest siblings reap all the privileges, and the babies get away with everything. This tends to isolate middle children, causing them to gravitate toward friends outside the family.
Kevin Leman, Ph.D. and author of “The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are”, argues that middle-born children are often entirely different than older siblings. "Once a role is filled by the firstborn, the second born will seek out a role that's completely the opposite," Dr. Leman says. "Middle child traits are the hardest to categorize, but whatever traits they develop play off the first born," he says.
Because of the complicated position middle children are born into, they often end up developing Middle Child Syndrome. Many experts who study personality believe that your family's birth order plays a role in your development. They see "middle-child syndrome" as the idea that if you're neither the oldest child nor the youngest, you get less attention from your parents and feel “caught in the middle.” The middle child often feels the need to compete with both the younger and older sibling for parental attention. They might compete for attention between siblings, as they risk being ignored by one or the other.
Youngest Sibling
Now onto the baby of the family: the youngest sibling, the attention seeker, the reason why your parents stopped having kids. Whatever they may be, the youngest child is often categorized as wild, confident, and outgoing. Studies show that this timeless stereotype is in fact a true reflection of the youngest child’s place in many families.
No matter how old they get, many parents will always see their youngest as a baby, in other words, their last opportunity to raise a child. This means that the youngest is often coddled and given more attention than their eldest sibling ever was because of their parents' behavior. "Parents of younger siblings recognize how quickly these baby phases pass and may regret rushing their older kids through milestones," Krawiec said. "They may compensate by keeping their youngest in phases longer like nursing and co-sleeping." Youngest children are their parents’ last opportunity to raise a child, causing them to elongate the “growing up” process of their beloved baby.
All that attention lavished upon the baby of the family often means that they continue to seek out that same attention when they're older. Many youngest siblings do so by learning how to turn on the charm. "The youngest children in a family tend to be more social because of having had increased opportunities, at early ages, of interacting with siblings," explained Sabrina Molden, PhD. The youngest children are playful, rule breakers, charming, and carefree. They get plenty of attention and have parents who have grown decidedly less strict with each child.
The baby of the family is also the most relaxed sibling and shows low levels of anxiety compared to their family members. "Last borns can actually be more independent, as their parents have 'been there,'" says clinical psychologist Stephanie Newman, PhD, author of Barbarians at the PTA. "This means parents are often more relaxed, resulting in more relaxed kids."
The youngest children in the family are often known for being less concerned about doing things right or achieving certain things and more concerned about having fun with their friends. Oftentimes, these children are more extroverted than others and enjoy having less responsibility within their families.
Influential Factors
Now that we’ve gone through each sibling and the characteristics of their birth order, let’s examine the why’s behind them and the different variables that could impact these prescribed personalities. One of the most influential factors in sibling structures and family dynamics is the age difference between children. Catherine Salmon, Ph.D., a coauthor of “The Secret Power of Middle Children”, says that “The closer the age intervals are between siblings, the more competition there is. When kids are one to two years apart, especially if they are the same gender, there’s more conflict. Three to four years between siblings tends to be a sweet spot; kids are close in age but have room to be themselves.” Many experts agree that five or more years between kids acts as a reset button, kicking off a “new family” with a fresh firstborn.
The next big factor in influencing sibling stereotypes and setting common family dynamics is gender. “Gender is a significant influence when it comes to the birth role that one develops within the family,” said Alan E. Stewart, Ph.D., who researches birth order at the University of Georgia. When the first two children are different genders, they often both behave like firstborns. If there’s a high value being placed on one gender over the other, the dynamic gets disrupted.
Another factor in sibling relationships is parental behavior. According to Las Cruces Sun News, our perception of our role in the family comes not only from the experiences we have as a sibling, but the way our parents treat us growing up. Sibling rivalry is really connected to parents’ expectations. Many times, parents end up reinforcing birth order stereotypes by expecting certain things from their children at different ages. Parents may also put pressure on firstborns by giving them more responsibility and expecting them to serve as an example to their younger siblings, but it’s important to divide responsibilities among all children as they become old enough to handle them.
Spending one-on-one time with children also can help them develop a sense of independence from their siblings. Parents can drive children in certain directions but need to follow the child’s lead and let them pursue their own interests to fully develop their personality. Family relationships and roles can change as siblings take on new experiences in adulthood and form their own families.
Only Children
Now, some of you may be feeling left out. Don’t worry, only children, I didn’t forget about you. Besides, you had your parents' devotion to keep you satisfied. But now it’s your turn to be examined.
Michael Grose, parenting educator and author of “Why First Borns Rule the World and Last Borns Want to Change It”, perfectly describes only children. He says, "An only child is really a first born that has never been dethroned." I think this is a fantastic comparison. ‘Dethroned' may seem like a strong term for gaining a brother or sister, it also makes total sense. Where once the baby had the sole attention of both their parents, now he or she must share it with a younger, needier individual. And so, the concept of 'sibling rivalry' begins.
Only children face struggles in developing social skills and relating to their peers. Without siblings to develop social skills with, they may have a tougher time navigating relationships with their peers. That's why they are often content to fly solo or find themselves enjoying the company of their parents more than that of their contemporaries. Only children generally mesh along well with adults [and] are mature," explains community and clinical psychologist Tricia Wolanin, PsyD.
Only children often develop a need for attention from those around them, because of the constant attention given to them by their parents. However, this attention can also cause premature tendencies. "Only children are like older siblings in many ways, particularly when it comes to their maturity," Krawiec says. "They are super responsible, perfectionistic, and also have difficulty handling criticism. This is true because they must shoulder all their parents' expectations, a heavy load," says Krawiec.
Parting Thoughts
No matter how many studies or examinations are completed to try and explain family dynamics, one thing remains constant. Family is forever. Blood ties do not just disappear, and emotional connections will forever remain. No matter if you love or fight, agree or argue, please or push, you are connected to your family in an intimate and vulnerable way through relationships you were born or accepted into. There is no way to truly leave your family, even if they may drive you crazy. Family is not a mandatory love, it is a consistent love that is challenging and complicated but so, so irreplaceable.
And so, I leave you with this advice. Go tell your siblings you love them. Okay, I know that may be hard for some of you so you can also just tell them that you’re glad they’re not dead and you have someone to share chores with. Whatever works for you. Better yet, give them a hug. Okay, I know that I’m really pushing it so an epic handshake will also suffice.