Rose Cordova, Staff Writer and Social Media Contributor
It’s winter again, your happiest seasons have passed. The snow piles up on your window and everything has frozen over. You lose your mind and sit there scrolling. Reeling in who you think you should be, but you don’t know. Hell, you don’t think you ever will. Are you capable of looking outside yourself, outside of the battle in your skull?
Usually, the answer is no, but sometimes it’s a yes. You examine yourself almost like a statue at a museum, except you don’t see yourself in such awe. You see the pokes and prods from past pain, everything that is imperfect is what you see. The stretch marks, acne, the weird hair on one of your legs. That’s what you see.
You try to ignore it, you examine your personality instead. You see the anger you got from your father, the silent cries from your mother. But, you don’t want to give up just yet, so you look some more, you see your tired eyes and your burning passion to be something more, anything more. You want so badly to be something, it’s no longer a desire, it has morphed into pure spite. You have to be something, to be more than everything that has happened.
You think no one notices you, notices that you feel like you’re sinking sometimes, or that you play with your piercings when you’re anxious, but sometimes people do notice. But why would you want help? You should sit there and know what you want and how to help yourself. So you choose to play it off and say “I’m all good” or “College is just super exhausting”. Yet, we know it isn’t just college.
It’s that you’re so anxious that you want to crawl out of your body, that most nights you look for an escape “ just one breath of fresh air”, or that you have no clue what you’re doing in your life. But once again you ignore it, you push yourself, out of spite, and go do things to try and find yourself: go to the movies, throw yourself into hobbies, hang out with people, drive at night but you don’t think it’s enough or that it ever will be but then again you’re just losing your mind and sitting there scrolling as the snow falls.