Absent Parents

By Adriana Gonzalez-Ibarra, Staff Writer 

I remember when I was 9

Asking my mom, "is dad coming to pick us up today" with a hopeful smile on my tiny face

"I don't know mija he hasn't called me" causing that smile to fade within a second 

I was 9 

It was a no call no show once again 

This is the third time this month 

"Why don't you want to see me, dad",  is what I thought thinking he didn't love us anymore 

I was 9 when you left me

You left me without telling us why you left in the first place

Left me with nothing but the anxious thought of I did something wrong, that's why he left and doesn't want to love me anymore 

But as I grew up I began to realize that you were a kid yourself even as an adult 

You never learned how to take care of yourself because the women in your life always took care of you

 With that, you saw no real reason to grow up and handle your responsibilities because the women in your life would do everything for you 

But my mother wasn't like every other woman in your life 

She had enough when she realized that it was just her taking care of everyone 

You, me, Antonio, and her

She was doing it all by herself she needed you but you could never see that could you 

That is why mom left because you gave her all the responsibilities you didn't want 

 I always questioned her as to why she left but now I understand that you simply didn't want to grow up 

 I say this with a heavy heart you are the reason why I found someone who isn't like you in any way possible because I know he would never leave me or the family we will create

I won't lie to you and say I never looked for you in the future as time continued but I did look for you in every person I came across hoping that someone would prove themselves to me that not all men are like you 

I broke my own heart time and time again then mom met Jr a year later after you left 

He was supposed to step in your shoes that you made it as a father figure but he broke my perspective of men once again for the next 9 years of my life 

I was 18 when I was looking at the barrel of a gun not knowing if I was going to live because Jr wanted to show me what God looked like 

You know what my first thought was and what I begged for

 I begged for you 

From that moment on I knew I would have to move on because you were supposed to be there But you decided to leave because you were too much of a child to handle the responsibilities you had as a father 

Now that you have passed away I never gave you a chance to explain yourself because when you tried I pushed you away the same way you did to me thinking that would make me feel better 

I always told myself, "I'm not ready now but maybe a couple of years down the line  I could push my pride to the side and listen to what he wanted to say to me when he first reached out," but that changed when I got a call on July 9th of 2023 from my mom telling me you passed away from a heart attack 

 My heart broke once more because that was a conversation I was never going to have with you and now I have to carry that with me for the rest of my life 

But I can carry that knowing that it wasn't my responsibility to be a parent to you 

That was your job and you failed and I hope you found peace when you passed and tried to right all the wrongs you did because there is a part of me that wished things were different 

But if it weren't for you leaving then I wouldn't be the person I am today and yes that is heartbreaking to say but it needed to happen because I still believe everything happens for a reason 

Don't get me wrong I think in some distant universe there is a version of you that didn't leave and you were the best father you could be and that you were there to walk me down the aisle when the time came and you would tell me while looking at me in my wedding dress 

You look as beautiful as your mother the day I married her 

But that is just a distant dream in a different universe and that brings me peace 

Yet it is not a reality I have in this lifetime

In this lifetime I have to reminisce on the past and try and remember the moments in my life when you were there because even though you left, a part of me still loves you as much as I did when I was a little girl 

Whether I like it or not you were meant to be my father and I was meant to be your daughter and it may seem like I hold resentment toward you but I have slowly learned to let it go because that is how you move on 

But now I have to move on with a piece of you in my heart 

I know it won't be easy but I know you are looking over me wishing me nothing but the best 

And I want to say one more thing before I close this chapter in my life and that is, I'm sorry for everything I didn't do when you were alive

But I will have a piece of you in my heart forever and that is fine by me, especially in your absence.

Butterfly: A Poem of the Unspoken Traumas of Immigration for the “American Dream”

Adriana Gonzalez-Ibarra, Staff Writer 

I remember the first time I took flight and I didn’t expect the wind to push against me as hard as it did on that September morning.

I was told by others before me that the wind was supposed to guide me in the direction that they had called the “American Dream” 

We have flown over 265 miles and this was just in one day. We have more than two months left before we make it to this so-called dreamland where we are welcomed with love and compassion. 

But this journey is not easy in the slightest way possible because the sun has gotten to the point where its burning parts of our wings making it harder to fly and some have fallen into the river and never made it out of its currents then others gave out after the heat had gotten to them and never made it past the desert. 

Yet for the ones that made it we noticed that we weren’t the only ones flying in this foreign land known as the American Dream there were other butterflies flying as if they knew our struggle. 

Their wings resemble that of our own but then I realized that they were moths and the words they were telling had become bittersweet. 

Those words at first were welcome to your new home we can’t wait to see the dream you achieve then turned bittersweet to the point that it was nothing but “ Go back to your country” “This is America you speak English” “you don’t belong here” “you are the reason we have criminals in this country” 

After so long those words become nothing but white noise behind the sound of the wings against the cages they had placed us in 

I never would have thought I would see myself separated from the kaleidoscope of those who I had known as home

Then not to mention those born on this dreamland never knowing the beauty of their parents’ homeland because they can never return without the permission of the moths 

Yet we as legacies for a better life found a way to fight for not only ourselves but those who have had their wings cut and make them heard from beyond the white noise 

Because if the “American Dream” is who they say they are, why is it that they continue to look at us as if we don’t exist in their melting pot of diversity and the dream of a better life.

Kids in Love for the Rest of Time / Niños enamorados por el resto de tiempo

By Adriana Gonzalez-Ibarra, Staff Writer

I never would have thought to see kids in love for the rest of time

That's probably one of the most wholesome experiences one could ever have 

Is to be with the one that you have loved since you were children and have your own life together

There was a time where I didn't have the representation of love that was healthy growing up 

Then I realized I did I just wasn't paying attention to the little things 

That love was the love my abuelo and abuela shared with one another 

They were kids when they meet and have been inseparable since then 

They knew they were kids but knew a love like theirs would last for the rest of time 

Then before you knew it they had kids of their own that were formed out of the love they had for each other 

Each of them are special in their own way that made them the parents they were and with that taught their children what love was supposed to look like 

I always remember my mother telling me stories about my abuelitos and how their love was something that was one of a kind and that she wished for this experience in her life 

Then I would always tell her that she gave birth to someone that loved her just as much and she would always laugh and smile and say, "yes mija I did"

Now to think that 53 years with someone is not enough time to love someone in my opinion 

Because since my abuelo lost my abuela in April of this year he still makes time to go see her 

Which includes him crossing the border every day with roses just to see la alma de su vida

And nothing has ever broke me enough until my abuelo told me that he sees her every day 

Por qué ella fue la amor más especial en su vida para siempre 

And I cry for him every time I think of my grandparents 

They were 15 and 16 when they met and fell in love 

Then without a doubt got married when they were 16 and 17 on May 19th of 1969 

They may not have had the most elegant life but it was one full of amor that they only understood and it showed to those around them 

They were one another’s peace and chaos and it was one of the most beautiful things that they experienced which I saw growing up 

My abuelo was always so gentle with my abuela and she was only ever calm with him and the people she truly cared about 

Their way of showing love was something I look for even in my own life and I catch myself imitating them especially for those I deeply care for 

Those people know who they are 

They had all 5 love languages and always showed them to each other without hesitation 

There was a point in my life where I knew that I wanted a love like that 

Because whenever I talk to my abuelo about my abuela

There is this look in his eyes that still lights up as if it was the first time he saw her 

He never fails to tell me that she was the love of his life and wished he had all the time in the world to hold her once more and to tell her that he loved her with his whole heart 

They were simply who they have always been for 53 years 

 Niños enamorados por el resto de tiempo 

Limbo Between Worlds

By: Adriana Gonzalez-Ibarra, Staff Writer

This is not my first time being in limbo, I have been in limbo even before my very existence 

I have experienced the very lives of my mother and grandmother had because I was a soul bound to watch their existence 

I experienced the wars they have had with themselves knowing I would experience the same fate 

Then before I knew it I took the breath of life but I knew instinctively that my soul has been here before 

And I have walked more around this world than some have in their entire life 

I was brought in this world by an immigrant mother knowing I would have a different life

But that is not what scared my soul

 what scared it was the very world I was born into 

Mi sangre was Mexican and American but never enough for either 

Yet I could never tell my own mother how I saw myself because I was scared that I would see my mother's heart break right in front of me 

But as a mother she always knew and told me,“ Tu sangre es fuerte todo en tiempo mija” 

I never understood what she meant until now 

Mi sangre es fuerte and time was indeed in my favor

The pain I experienced in this life was meant for a reason 

As a child you don’t understand why things happen the way they do 

But as time continues you come to a understanding that life is a war 

A war in which you face yourself and have to come to a moment of peace for yourself because that is what your heart deserves 

That never came easy to me 

especially being in a world where I feel like I don't belong 

Yet I realized I couldn't keep fighting with myself because it takes a toll 

It takes a toll on your mind, body, and spirit

those thoughts of not feeling enough for either side and to find that middle ground where I am enough no matter the situation 

That all happened because my mother and my grandmother 

They were the strongest women I knew in my life and they saw me for who I was 

That is all I ever wanted in my life was for someone to see me for who I was 

But I was so stuck in my own head that I never looked into the eyes of the women who raised me 

That is where my moment of peace came was from the eyes that only ever wanted peace

Especially feeling stuck between two halves of yourself that are constantly at war with one another 

I know that it's better to come to an acceptance rather than to keep the cycle of denial and deny the existence of those before me 

I know that two halves make a whole 

I know that my blood runs through two different countries 

I know that my existence is tied between two cultures that meet at the la frontera with beauty and poise why be stuck in limbo when I can be embraced by those who understand my existence